My House ⇒
And my house is filled with the things that I love From her smile in the morning to her soft goodnight hugs Her whisper, her laughter, everything that she does And my house is filled with the things that I love.
Today is Elise's birthday. It is one of my birthdays too: two years ago today I became a mother. Labour day hasn't been the same for me since! I knew being a mother would be difficult but not THIS difficult. I knew being a mother would be fun but not THIS much fun. I knew being a mother would be fulfilling but I had no idea that my heart could be so full it overflows every time her face lights up when she sees me. I didn't know being a mother would also break my heart. I have never wanted to not disappoint someone so badly and each time I let her down somehow, it kills me that she may trust me a little less than a moment ago.
When Elise was a baby, I didn't worry about these things. It was simple: all I had to do was keep her alive and love her with all my heart (which automatically happened the first moment I heard her heart beat.) She trusted me simply because I was always there to pick her up and hold her when she cried.
It's more complicated now. Now I have to do what's in her best interest: let her comfort herself back to sleep; let her try things by herself and sometimes fail; tell her "no." It is nearly impossible to stare down a look of disappointment in a two-year-old without caving. I guess the old adage holds true: if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger.
Naturally I have spent moments today reflecting on the journey of the past two years. At 8:30 this morning I thought "gee two years ago I was pushing out a baby". The strangest thing was that Elise woke up at 8:45 today. This is late for her for a start and it happened to be the time she was born. When I went to pick her up out of her crib she smiled as she always does and said "Happy now!" I said "So am I, my poppet. So am I."
I always knew that one day I would have to let her go but what I didn't realize was that as a parent you let them go a little bit every day. With every new thing she learns to do for herself, she needs me a little less. One of Elise's favourite expressions right now is "by self". I enjoy celebrating her successes with her. I swell with pride and feel just a little melancholy at the same time. Thankfully, there is always something else for her to learn. I have many more proud mama moments to come.
Elise weighs 27 pounds today: that's 20 pounds more than she weighed at birth. She has countless words in her vocabulary now and often speaks in full sentences. She even sings. Erin always wondered what was going on in her head when she was a baby. It turns out it's not that interesting and tends to be repetitious! She can run, jump and climb and has excellent balance. She is a little girl now. A very lovely little girl.